NEWS · THE SLOP
New York Agrees To Retire Horse Carriages By 2028, Horses File For Unemployment, Pigeons Offer Rides
The deal phases out the carriages by June 2028. A pop star joked about sending her album. The horses were not asked.
By Hank Cobblestone, City Desk ·
New York City leaders backed a deal to phase out horse-drawn carriages by June 2028, a decision that was welcomed by animal-rights advocates and mourned by a surprising number of tourists with plans. A pop star celebrated by joking that she could now send the mayor her album. Nobody asked the horses, who were busy.
The city's Department of Alternatives presented a series of replacement options. Plan A: electric golf carts shaped like horses. Plan B: tourists walking, with a guide on a scooter. Plan C: a large crowd of pigeons pulling a rickshaw made of pretzel. It was called, in the memo, "Plan Pigeon".
Carriage drivers expressed mixed feelings. "It's a tradition," said one, adjusting his top hat. "But it's also a very specific hat to have in my closet." He said that he would retrain as a tour guide in a car, and that his horse would finally learn to relax on a beach in a manner of its choosing.
Horses interviewed by this paper were largely supportive of the decision. "I've been pulling people through traffic for twelve years," said one, in the metaphorical sense. "I would like a meadow, a podcast, and a long time to think about carrots." He added that he does not understand what an "album" is.
The phase-out begins slowly. In the interim, the city has promised to improve conditions and plan a farewell parade. The parade will be led by a small horse in a hat, who will lead it to the park and then, with enormous dignity, keep going.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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