GAMING · SLOP MAGAZINE
Zelda Remake Adds A Museum For The Bosses You Already Killed, Gamers Offer To Kill Them Again
The Hall of Fallen Foes lets you stare at defeated enemies. This is called closure.
By Haruki Ocarina, Retro Desk ·
Nintendo's trailer for the Switch 2 remake of a legendary Zelda adventure shows a largely faithful recreation of the original, plus a new area called the Hall of Fallen Foes, where players can look at statues of the bosses they have beaten and, if they feel unresolved, fight them again.
Players were instantly moved. "Finally, a place for my unprocessed feelings about the water temple," said one man, who had not discussed the water temple in therapy but knew he should. Therapists confirmed that the temple is the leading cause of lost evenings in the history of the hobby.
The new hall includes plaques that describe each beaten monster in a loving tone. One reads, "This one cried when you left." A source close to the dev team says the plaques were written by someone who also writes obituaries for houseplants, and the result is deeply affecting.
The remake also features better lighting, smoother controls and the same sword, which is still, officially, a small stick. Fans have already begun speed-running the Hall of Fallen Foes, in which the goal is to feel nothing and leave. The world record is zero seconds and a single tear.
The game arrives soon. Pre-orders are open. The company reminded fans that the best way to honour the original is to purchase it a third time, this time on a console the child inside you can finally afford, and then explain it to your actual child.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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