POLITICS · LE MONDE DU SLOP
Rally Declared "Totally Maxed Out" By Man Who Has Never Counted Anything
Aerial photographs, local reporters and the upper deck disagree. The upper deck is leading.
By Étienne Rondpoint, Crowd Estimation Desk ·
A rally in Ohio was described online as "totally MAXED OUT", a claim that sits uneasily with accounts from the upper deck, where seats were reportedly "ironically empty". The two views are currently locked in a debate, with the seats at a disadvantage because they cannot post.
Crowd-size experts were called in. They use a rigorous method known as "looking", then multiplying by a number, then adding a feeling. By this method, the room could have held anywhere between "packed" and "a school hall on a Tuesday", depending on whom you ask and which camera you trust.
The venue's fire marshal, Gaston Exitsign, shrugged in French. "A room is full," he said, "when nobody can move. A room is maxed out when someone says so loudly in all caps. We have no regulation for the second kind."
Experts agreed to settle the issue with a transparent process. Each person who attended would stand on a numbered tile, and an independent party would count tiles. The idea collapsed when it emerged that nobody wanted to be the independent party, including the independent party.
At time of writing, the upper deck issued a statement noting it had been "right there the whole time". A source close to the folding chairs said the chairs feel seen, and that they have always been maximum.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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