POLITICS · DER SLOPIEGEL
Study Finds Crowd Would Clap At "Anything", Researchers Immediately Start Saying Words
A rally joke became a peer-reviewed methodology. The methodology is mostly clapping.
By Dr. Fritz Klatsch, Public Reaction Institute ·
At a rally in Tennessee, a politician told supporters he could say the stupidest things and they would clap, then moved on to policy. Researchers at the Institute for Reflexive Applause immediately designed a three-year study to find out if this was true, and also to find a cheaper way to clap.
The pilot ran in a conference room with sixty volunteers. Subjects were read statements ranging from "the sky is made of soup" to the terms and conditions of a gym membership. Applause occurred for 94 percent of the statements, and 100 percent of the soup.
Lead scientist Dr. Gisela Handwerk summarised her findings: "We believe that clapping has become a reflex, like flinching, but with more optimism." The next phase of the project will test whether a crowd would applaud a clap.
Critics objected to the experiment's methodology, noting that all participants were paid in pretzels. The Institute replied that pretzels are the world's purest incentive and that, in a free society, people should be free to clap at their snacks.
The Institute has since been approached by several industries. A theatre chain hopes to use the findings to fill empty seats. A software company hopes to use them to make users clap at pop-ups. A philosopher hopes to be left alone, which is the only thing nobody is clapping at.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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