TECH · THE SLOPONOMIST
Tesla Renames "Full Self-Driving" In Europe To "Assisted Driving", Cars Report Feeling Seen
Regulators said the old name was misleading. The car has asked for a quiet moment.
By Moira Torque, Mobility Correspondent ·
Tesla began calling its system "Tesla Assisted Driving" on European sites after regulators said the previous name could mislead drivers. The word "Full" has been taken away. Industry insiders describe this as the most painful loss of a word since "unlimited" lost the argument with the fine print.
Owners were notified by a gentle in-car chime. "We have heard your concerns," said the chime, "and we have also heard the regulators." The car then drove itself, with assistance, to a car park, where it assisted itself into a space and sat there, assisted.
The company's Vice President of Naming, Rex Overreach, took the news in stride. "Assisted" is actually a stronger word," he insisted, "because it implies there is an assistant, and everyone loves an assistant." He then asked a very long pause to take notes.
Drivers across the continent reported subtle shifts. Where the car once confidently announced it was driving, it now says it is "helping". It has stopped offering opinions on roundabouts. Insiders say the steering wheel looks relieved to have a reason to exist.
Meanwhile, a rival firm has announced its own bold rebrand: from "Autopilot" to "A Pilot, Maybe", from "Self-Driving" to "Driving, With Feelings", and from "Level 5" to "Level 3, Aspirational". Regulators are reviewing the situation with a very long coffee.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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