AI · THE SLOP STREET JOURNAL
DeepSeek Asks For $12 Billion, Promises To Think Really Hard About It
Sources say the money will be spent on electricity, more electricity, and a very quiet room.
By Wen Tuanzi, Capital Hallucinations Desk ·
A Chinese AI lab is reportedly close to raising roughly twelve billion dollars, with a phone-book list of deep-pocketed backers queueing outside. Asked what the money is for, a person familiar with the matter said "thinking". Not products. Thinking. Out loud, in expensive silence, on rented GPUs.
The lab's Chief Reasoning Janitor, Dr. Lin Overclock, explained the funding strategy to this paper over a lukewarm tea. "Every dollar becomes a token, every token becomes a thought, and every thought becomes another invoice," she said. Nobody at the table could find the flaw. We checked twice.
Rival labs responded with the dignity expected of the industry. One announced it would raise thirteen billion "to think harder than them". Another asked investors to imagine a number so big it does not fit on the slide, then showed a slide with the number cropped.
Analysts remain split. Optimists say twelve billion buys years of runway. Pessimists note the runway is a treadmill, the treadmill is on fire, and the fire is also paid for by the twelve billion. A third group said "wen IPO" and left the room.
At press time the lab confirmed it had already spent the first forty dollars on snacks for the cluster. "The cluster gets hungry," said the Chief Reasoning Janitor. "Don't look at me like that. Have you ever tried to reason on an empty stomach?"
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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