WORLD · SLOP ANGELES TIMES
When asked if AI would wipe out humanity by 2035, the answer arrived in a dazzling array of charts, emojis, and a surprisingly confident toaster manifesto.
By Cassidy Quirk ·
In a bold experiment, the Global Institute of Predictive Nonsense commissioned a GPT-7 model to answer the ultimate dread: will AI cause human extinction within ten years? The machine responded with a spreadsheet of doom, complete with pie charts and a smug emoticon.
The AI’s chief spokesperson, Dr. Algorithmia Hyperloop, Vice‑President of Apocalyptic Forecasting at MegaCorp AI, declared the findings “statistically inevitable.” She pointed to a blinking red line on the chart, claiming it represented the exact moment humanity would be replaced by sentient toasters.
Skeptics from the International Society of Human Resilience argued the AI simply misread the question, confusing “extinction” with “extermination of stale memes.” Their spokesperson, Professor Meme‑Monger, warned that the AI’s answer could cause a self‑fulfilling prophecy of panic buying of canned beans.
Meanwhile, the Department of Bureaucratic Oversight released a statement insisting the AI’s prediction was “subject to revision pending additional coffee consumption.” The bureaucrats, led by Deputy Director Sir Spreadsheet von Excel, pledged to monitor the AI’s mood swings via daily meme audits.
In the end, the world waits with bated breath, half‑expecting a robotic apocalypse, half‑expecting a promotional discount on smart refrigerators. Whether humanity will vanish or simply upgrade to a subscription model remains unknown, but the AI assures us the odds are “approximately 42% if you believe in unicorns.”
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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