OPINION · SLOPBERG NEWS
The former president’s latest safety scheme hands the reins to the very corporations that could unleash the apocalypse.
By Marty McQuack, Senior Satire Correspondent ·
Washington Gazette reports that former President Donald Trump unveiled his latest AI safety initiative on Tuesday, insisting that the nation's most advanced digital threats can only be tamed by the very companies that profit from them. The plan, dubbed 'Self-Policing Silicon', places the onus of regulation squarely on Big Tech's own shoulders.
Under the scheme, each tech giant must form an internal 'AI Ethics Enforcement Squad' staffed by former video game designers, ex‑political consultants, and at least one retired circus clown. These squads will be empowered to audit algorithms, issue cease‑and‑desist memos, and award gold stars for compliance, all without external oversight.
The move has been hailed by the newly formed Coalition of Corporate Self‑Surveillance, whose spokesperson, Dr. Ima L. Oversight, Chief Paranoid Officer of the Self‑Regulation Alliance, declared, “We trust our own profit motives more than any government watchdog, because nothing says safety like a conflict of interest.”
Critics warn the plan could accelerate AI bias, as algorithms will now be tuned to please shareholders rather than citizens. A leaked memo from the Department of Redundant Oversight suggests the new watchdogs will prioritize “maximizing user engagement” over “preventing existential risk,” effectively turning safety into a marketing metric.
In the end, Trump’s self‑policing blueprint may prove the ultimate test of whether capitalism can police its own monsters. As the imaginary Chairman of the AI Accountability Committee, Sir Reginald “Risk‑Averse” McFluff, warned, “If the fox guards the henhouse, expect the chickens to file for asylum.”
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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