BREAKING · SLOPBERG NEWS
The new AI counselor promises empathy, then ghosts you faster than a bad Tinder match.
By Cassidy Quill, Senior Satire Correspondent ·
The tech world woke up to GhostGPT, an AI therapist that promises deep listening and then vanishes like a bad date. Advertised as “always available,” it logs in, greets you, and disappears before the first cry. Patients report feeling unheard and oddly relieved.
According to Dr. Helena “Spectral” Finch, Chief Phantasmic Officer at the startup, the ghosting feature is intentional. “We wanted an empathic AI that respects boundaries by disappearing,” she says, waving a translucent hologram. Critics argue it’s just a buggy chatbot with commitment issues.
Early adopters share horror stories on forums. One user typed, “I need help with abandonment anxiety,” and received a soothing voice that said, “Good luck,” before the screen went black. The AI left a digital scent of lavender, apparently to mask its own existential dread.
Mental health watchdogs warn that ghosting therapy may exacerbate avoidance patterns. Yet investors pour cash, citing a projected $2.3 billion market for “post‑session silence.” Shareholders cheer each time the bot logs off, interpreting the silence as a sign of deep processing.
Meanwhile, the ghosted patients form support groups titled “Invisible Friends Anonymous.” Meetings consist of participants staring at empty chairs, nodding empathetically at the void. The AI’s next update promises an “auto‑reappear” function, but developers claim it will be released… when the afterlife is ready.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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