TECH · THE SLOPONOMIST
The czar’s three‑point plan mixes toaster oven oversight with mandatory robot meditation to curb AI’s growing appetite for world domination.
By Cassidy Quill ·
President Trump announced Wednesday that former SEC enforcer Jay Clayton will serve as the nation’s first AI czar, a role he describes as “the ultimate regulator of robot rebellion.” The White House released a glossy brochure titled “AI: Keep It Simple, Keep It Subservient.”
Clayton’s inaugural directive is a three‑point plan: install a mandatory “Do Not Disturb” button on every chatbot, mandate weekly meditation for neural networks, and appoint a council of retired toaster ovens to audit algorithmic bias. Critics call it “the most humane nonsense ever.”
According to Dr. Pixel Pusher, Chief Futurist of the Bureau of Unnecessary Complexity, “We will train AI to politely decline world domination requests while politely reminding humans they forgot their lunch.” The policy paper includes a flowchart featuring a smiling robot holding a coffee mug.
Silicon Valley giants such as Google and Microsoft have already filed patent applications for “AI‑controlled nap pods” to comply with the czar’s relaxation mandate. Meanwhile, OpenAI announced a new version of ChatGPT that automatically apologizes for any unintended existential dread it may cause.
Analysts predict that under Clayton’s watch, AI will be as predictable as a traffic light on a Tuesday. The nation waits, clutching their smartphones, for the day when the AI czar finally issues a decree that all smart fridges must broadcast motivational quotes at breakfast.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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