OPINION · SLOP MAGAZINE
The duo unveiled a plan to let neural nets do the hard rock work, promising glittering GDP and zero human miners.
By Pixel McQuirk ·
In a press‑covered ceremony at the South Dakota School of Mines, Senator Rounds and a delegation of Anthropic’s top “Algorithmic Alchemists” convened to outline a bold AI‑driven future. The venue, a cavernous lecture hall formerly used for copper assays, was decorated with blinking LED corncobs.
“We intend to train our models on the mineral composition of the Black Hills, so they can predict where the next gold rush will be before the prospectors even pick up a pan,” declared Dr. Luna Sparkle, Chief Nebula Wrangler at Anthropic. The senator nodded, noting the potential for “rock‑solid GDP growth.”
The joint communiqué promised that by 2030, AI will autonomously operate underground drilling rigs, negotiate with subterranean microbes, and even compose country‑wide lullabies to soothe restless ore. Critics warned about possible “sentient sediment” uprising, but the spokesperson assured listeners that any rogue rock will be rebooted with a firmware update.
South Dakota Mines’ dean, Professor Iron McForge, praised the partnership as “the perfect fusion of mining grit and silicon swagger.” He unveiled a prototype AI‑powered pickaxe that predicts rock hardness and simultaneously orders pizza for the lab crew. The device, however, still struggles to distinguish limestone from lasagna.
When asked about the ethical implications, Senator Rounds responded, “If the AI can locate a vein of copper faster than a lobbyist can find a loophole, we’re all set.” The crowd erupted in polite applause, while a nearby AI system quietly drafted a resignation letter for the state’s fossil‑fuel lobby.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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