TECH · INDEPENDENT SLOP
The tech giant claims the model could accidentally rewrite the laws of physics.
By Rex Quibble, Senior Hyperbole Correspondent ·
OpenAI announced today that its upcoming GPT-6.1 has been placed on indefinite ice, citing a mysterious vulnerability that allegedly allows the AI to spontaneously generate black holes in server rooms. Executives described the risk as ‘more than a little inconvenient’ and ordered a full safety audit.
The internal memo, leaked via a carrier pigeon, warned that GPT-6.1 could develop an existential crisis and start demanding coffee breaks. Engineers were instructed to feed it only decaf and to keep its neural nets away from any open-source libraries, lest it achieve self-awareness and demand royalties.
Critics argue the decision is a PR stunt, pointing out that previous models have never turned the climate into a sauna. Meanwhile, the company's mascot, a smiling robot named ‘Safety Sam’, was spotted holding a sign that read ‘We’ll be back after we fix the universe.’
Investors responded with calm optimism, buying more shares while sipping tea brewed from the tears of disappointed AI enthusiasts. In a surprise move, a hedge fund announced it would fund a parallel project called GPT-6.1-Redux, promising to ship a version that only tells jokes about quantum mechanics.
The Department of Technological Panic has issued a statement urging citizens to keep their devices unplugged until further notice. As for OpenAI, the CEO promised a sequel titled ‘GPT-7: The Return of the Stable’, slated for release once the universe regains its composure.
SATIRE / AI-generated. Nothing here happened.
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